Watching and Waiting

The truth is often the body that floats to the surface, long after the searchers are gone.

It’s a new year, and like the others before it, it brings with it hope. The failed outcomes of the year before fall into the “should have been” file, and we move forward, all of us, toward the dreams yet unfulfilled.

With Graeme’s passing in November of last year, Justin lost not only a dear friend and lifelong colleague, he lost the redemption he’s been waiting for since his early twenties. He lost the opportunity to say to his friend “See? I’m not crazy. All the dedication you put into our music on my behalf has now paid off. We – you, John, Mike, Ray and me – we’ve done it. We’ve proven to the world that death is not the end but instead the open door to the resting place, the learning place, where we all assess and absorb, ready to make our next entrance into the world as better people than we were before.”

I know that the losses of Ray and then Graeme have brought him great sadness, and even more frustration than before.

We can only hope that with death comes greater understanding, and with that some divine help.

And thinking about that I wonder what control we all have over our lives. Both Justin and I remember the purpose with which we were sent into this life, and yet we, despite years of effort, have not fully realized it. How much does free will count for? How much is decided before we’re born? What is our fate to be?

It may be a moot point, in that Justin did receive my note July 4th, 2010, albeit too late for us to meet. He did produce Spirits quickly thereafter and stress over and over that it was a labour of love, that those things needed to be said. “Other restless spirits cry for the dreams that pass them by, but we were mortal – you and I – we were going down. As I loved you then I knew I had lost you – I’d lost you, like the crystal mountain dew in the sunshine. Cos I remember the days when we swore we would always be true. What on earth am I supposed to do?”.

“I would have given you the world to stay. If I’d only known what I know today.” What forces were at play that evening when I’d arranged with the stage manager to meet with Justin? When he came to look for me as I drove away? To talk with him about our past.

That’s all I want to do.

I don’t want to disrupt his life. I wouldn’t hurt his family for the world. I don’t need his money. I am comfortably well off on my own, well loved and surrounded by a cherished family. And his fame has never been something I sought. Ironically it is the thing that brought him back to me and yet still holds us apart.

I know I should be content with the fact that I know and he knows, but the spirit of the Guardian, that glowing, loving but authoritative figure (that I think we all see but can’t remember) still pushes me to make it known to the world. And so I continue to bear disbelief and even abuse, because I know it to be true.

(If none of this makes any sense to you, dear reader, scroll down to the bottom and make your way back up. To those loyal followers, thank you. Together we will see its fruition, someday.)